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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 11, 2013 2:49:44 GMT
01 How Everything Went To Shit
I thought I'd dive straight into this show as it just popped for me. I love the premise, the atmosphere you set, and the general feel of it once you've got it open.
Unfortunately, I think the voice over and exposition really bog this webisode down. It's a bit like I'm being given a history lesson, but I can appreciate how tricky it is to begin a webisode in this setting you've created. I'll definitely keep going, to see where this ends up, as I did actually enjoy the read... it was just a lot of info-dump!
On a side note, I have to say that there are so many formatting distractions in this script alone that it was much harder to get through than it should have been. I won't really go into it all here because I'm sure it's a discussion that's been had a lot but the bold scene headings and the frequently capitalised words in the action really made it a bit of a struggle.
All that aside, I am looking forward to the next one and I do like what you've set up.
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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 11, 2013 4:15:05 GMT
02 Why Shouldn't I Just Shoot You?
Although this episode didn't have as much going on as the previous one, I felt this was definitely stronger, maybe because there was more show than tell (for instance, no voice overs)? So far the characters are coming across well, each intriguing and highly watchable, though I do think the secondary characters have more of an immediate impact than the lead. Given the structure of the show though, that's not unexpected.
The dialogue is good, too, although doesn't read overly British. That's not exactly a bad thing. Most scripts, when read, don't sound overly British until the actor is speaking the lines. Though, a British idiom wouldn't go amiss here and there. But only if it still flows naturally.
Other than the way too many words being capitalised, the bold scene headings, and too much tell in the action, this was a smoother read. And I'll shut up about all format quibbles now!
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Post by Kyle West on Apr 11, 2013 22:11:15 GMT
01 How Everything Went To ShitI thought I'd dive straight into this show as it just popped for me. I love the premise, the atmosphere you set, and the general feel of it once you've got it open. Very honoured that you've started your time at TEN by reading this particular show, James. Much appreciated. Yeah, all part of building the world unfortunately. I didn't want to skip over how Britain got the way it did, so decided to just deal with most of it right away, then move on. Personal preference. I opted a long time ago to change my slug lines to bold once I decided to stop using transitions - makes the scene breaks more clear on the page for me. As such, it's a style I've adopted across all of my projects, and am unlikely to alter as a result
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Post by Kyle West on Apr 11, 2013 22:17:06 GMT
02 Why Shouldn't I Just Shoot You?Although this episode didn't have as much going on as the previous one, I felt this was definitely stronger, maybe because there was more show than tell (for instance, no voice overs)? The rest of the volume carries on in this manner. The voice over narration at the start of the first episode is a one off. Glad you liked this one! Looks like my lead is hit and miss for a few people! I shall have to address that moving forward, though you've still got a bit of character work for him to come in the next few episodes. I think it's been said before that I clearly show my US TV favouritism in the dialogue I write, so this isn't the first time I've seen this kind of statement. Ironically, I actually feel that a lot of the dialogue in this episode IS British, or at least the kind of british language style that I'm around daily. Ironically, on Knight's Haven I've had the OPPOSITE said, where it came up once or twice that my seemingly American lead went nearly a bit too British on occasion. I can't win! Yeah, that won't be changing
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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 12, 2013 2:20:44 GMT
02 Why Shouldn't I Just Shoot You?Although this episode didn't have as much going on as the previous one, I felt this was definitely stronger, maybe because there was more show than tell (for instance, no voice overs)? The rest of the volume carries on in this manner. The voice over narration at the start of the first episode is a one off. Glad you liked this one! Looks like my lead is hit and miss for a few people! I shall have to address that moving forward, though you've still got a bit of character work for him to come in the next few episodes. I think it's been said before that I clearly show my US TV favouritism in the dialogue I write, so this isn't the first time I've seen this kind of statement. Ironically, I actually feel that a lot of the dialogue in this episode IS British, or at least the kind of british language style that I'm around daily. Ironically, on Knight's Haven I've had the OPPOSITE said, where it came up once or twice that my seemingly American lead went nearly a bit too British on occasion. I can't win! Yeah, that won't be changing I have no idea how to quote each part (I think I said before I was a bit spesh?) but did just want to say that Jason is a hit with me - the other two just made more of an immediate impact. You've got distinct voices for all, which is always a bonus. And the British-isms... like I said before, I think a lot of it has to do with the actual actors. I've read a few British scripts that go on and on for scenes where you wouldn't be able to tell the characters were British. So far so good though! I'll get onto the next batch soon.
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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 12, 2013 9:01:06 GMT
03 Don't Fuck With RoverThis is the episode where I really saw Jason's character step out from everyone else's a little bit. The part where he had to shoot the Scummer was by far the most intriguing and brought a whole new set of questions about him - like, was he really just a student before? Or has he become a product of the world he's now living, dog eat dog, etc? As I read the scene, I didn't pick up on much (if any) hesitation at all, and then Alice pointed out there was. To me, it's far more interesting if there's no hesitation whatsoever. I can understand why you would put in there that there was, so the audience can see he's conflicted over it, but I much prefer the morally grey aspect of characters like this, in this world. Alice still remains my favourite character and I think a lot of that has to do with the minimal screen time she gets... but every part she does play in the episode, it has an effect on the audience. Each piece of dialogue flows, revealing something about herself, if only a glimpse. The fact she used to just be a waitress before the world went to shit also brought home the realities of how much people have had to adapt. The ending was effective and disturbing and, sadly, something I think would be commonplace in a world where there are no real laws or government. Great stuff.
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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 14, 2013 9:28:17 GMT
04 Eyes Off
I enjoyed the last instalment quite a bit, which I guess is why this one was a bit of a disappointment. If anything, I would say this is filler... which I'm not sure should be present in a web series that already has minimal time to tell a story. There's no real plot to this one, other than taking a while to get from A to B. I really feel that if you wanted to take time to get to the supermarket, there could have at least been some worthwhile character development.
So, a lot was spoken but nothing really said. There was talk about Rover's dick... is pretty much what I think stood out here. Which I'm not sure is what you were going for? Also, Bruiser has become a wholly unlikeable stereotypical stock character. He's not even unlikeable in the way he should be. There's just nothing to him. His lines, his actions, we've seen it all a thousand times before in various bad TV shows and movies.
I know you don't want to hear about formatting but I do want to point about the actual writing, which has a few problems. You write too much to explain something that can be written with less words and more of an impact. For instance, this:
Is a long, and harder to read, way of saying this:
And I'm sure even that could be said better. The flow of a script matters a whole lot, especially when you're writing for an audience that can only read your story.
I'd also be careful about things like "Skinny Bitch." There's nothing this girl does or says that implies she is a bitch. As it stands, it's a highly misogynistic aside that paints you, the writer, in a bad light, rather than any character or world-building you're doing. If she's a bitch, show us. Don't tell us.
And I know that a lot of people would rather be reviewed on the story but I think it's really important that writers don't get stuck with bad habits. Anyone can come up with a story - few can write them. And these things matter because they can either invite someone to read further or put them off altogether.
The supermarket setup reminds me somewhat of Survivors, which isn't a bad thing. Anyway, onto the next one...
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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 14, 2013 10:34:22 GMT
05 Supermarket Sweep
This episode was a notable step up from the last one in terms of pacing and action. We also got a lot more conflict, as well as some revealing things about Jason. I don't think anyone suspected he was just a student like he claimed so it's not a huge surprise but it does pose some interesting questions and something I look forward to seeing develop.
The plot moves along quickly and quite brutally, no punches spared. At times I really wish these episodes were longer, to give us more character development, because otherwise deaths like Bobby's can be a lot less of an impact than they should be. Saying that, his death served the story and Jason's character, so job done there. I do have to question his response to Rover killing him though... why would Jason care more about Bobby than the guy Rover had him kill before? Did they really have enough time to build a bond strong enough that Jason would put his own life in danger... when he wouldn't do so by refusing to kill someone or saving a child from a peodaphile?
Anyway, a much better one than episode four, and probably has the most impact, save the first episode.
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Post by Angry Octopus on Apr 14, 2013 12:04:22 GMT
06 Where Are The Weapons?So the final instalment brings us full circle, back to where we started. Unfortunately I found this quite a weak final chapter in this particular story, a story I'm not sure entirely worked beyond the first episode. The tension from the previous episode was quickly dismissed at the beginning of this one, which I think was a mistake. The episode would have greatly improved as a finale had it had kept that momentum, that intensity, and ran with it. As it is, it stops and starts, and stops, and I'm not sure it really builds beyond that. The twist that Jason is actually an undercover agent for a (the?) military was good, if not a little predictable. And I'm going to guess that the third objective is somehow tied to the Dragon (who was a neat character, by the way). Saying that, I don't know if the Dragon's plan really holds up, unless she was somehow working with Rover too (which I think is highly unlikely)... how did she know Jason would be going along on that mission? It was sad to see Alice sidelined... as I think she's your most promising character in this. I guess this episode was a bit of an anti-climax, for me, which is a real shame because I still adore the premise and the world-building you've got going on here. I'm just not sure the execution really did that idea as much justice as it should have. I will, however, tune in to the next run, because I do really want to see how this world continues... and find out if Alice is pissed she didn't get much screen time in the finale.
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Post by Kyle West on Apr 14, 2013 14:21:30 GMT
03 Don't Fuck With RoverThis is the episode where I really saw Jason's character step out from everyone else's a little bit. The part where he had to shoot the Scummer was by far the most intriguing and brought a whole new set of questions about him - like, was he really just a student before? Or has he become a product of the world he's now living, dog eat dog, etc? As I read the scene, I didn't pick up on much (if any) hesitation at all, and then Alice pointed out there was. To me, it's far more interesting if there's no hesitation whatsoever. I can understand why you would put in there that there was, so the audience can see he's conflicted over it, but I much prefer the morally grey aspect of characters like this, in this world. I think Alice's statement either means she saw something we didn't, or perhaps she's looking for something in Jason that isn't there. That, or an oversight from the writer I love Alice, much fun to write for. Glad you're seeing that too.
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