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Post by Dave on Apr 30, 2008 10:05:05 GMT
Hey guys, I just wrote up an excerpt from the fourth episode and would like some feedback. Basically, I've never written a love scene (or at least, not a very good one) and wanted to find out how it was coming across - mostly whether or not the picture in my head was coming out in the script or not. Anyway, I'd appreciate some feedback - it's only a couple of pages and will just take a couple of minutes (it's PG 13) tenscripts.blogspot.com/
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Post by Dan Taylor on Apr 30, 2008 15:01:34 GMT
I don't like the line "Make love to me" it's too cliche - I think just having him say after she says "die a virgin, David."
He'd get what she's on about! I think making it that obvious, the fact that she's actually asking him makes it a little cheap. But I quite like her naivity.
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Post by Dave on Apr 30, 2008 21:12:44 GMT
Yeah, I wasn't sure about it either. I'm glad you like the naivity though - that's a big part of what I wanted to bring across.
Okay, so "make love to me" is cut. Because it sounds weird. And is a cliche.
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Post by Tom East on Jun 30, 2008 18:25:59 GMT
Any chance of some spoilers or progress Dave? This is probably the one series I'm most excited about, because it takes BtVS back to it's pure roots.
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Post by Dave on Jun 30, 2008 18:35:01 GMT
Spoilers? Hmmm...well, the amulet that Angel brought to Buffy at the end of Season 7 is a big plot device for most of the first season. Also, the series takes a pretty bitchin' left turn at the finale, and we'll get to see something we've never had the chance to see before - a serial killer who specializes in Slayers. An episode later in the season delves more into the mythology of the Watchers than the Slayers and David's past is very central to the tone of the series. I'm glad you're excited, because I am too. I have to rewrite everything a couple of times because I want to make sure it's perfect, which is a pretty new experience for me.
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Post by Tom East on Jul 4, 2008 17:07:43 GMT
Is there gonna be a main hang-out place, like Buffy S1-S3 had the library and S%-S6 had the Magic Box?
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Post by Dave on Jul 7, 2008 18:16:19 GMT
I'm planning on using David's apartment, mainly because while the library worked for Giles, it doesn't really work for David. I'm having a lot of fun highlighting the parallels and opposites of the two characters, so that will be fun for some people to read.
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Post by Tom East on Jul 14, 2008 21:06:16 GMT
Can I suggest moving that to the staff board - don't want anyone just waltzing ina nd readin it, do we?
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Post by Dave on Jul 18, 2008 10:39:07 GMT
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Post by Tom East on Jul 19, 2008 13:55:27 GMT
Swear I posted this before, but - I like the graphics, very good! Just wondering what formats you releasing on? pdf and html? html would be good, as it's how I read.
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